Cleaning out the pipes

I have two children. At time of writing, alpha is 5 years and omega is 6 months.

A couple of months before I got pregnant with alpha, I did a cleanse. It was the colon cleanse by Blessed Herbs. I don't remember how I came upon the website but their photos showcasing what everyone's nether whistle was blowin' out captivated me. I wanted to produce the same results and be very impressed with what I was getting out of my body. So I did and, at the end of the two week cleanse, I could almost feel how shiny pink and squeaky my intestines were. All my sugar and carb cravings were gone. I had enough energy to build a boat and sail that sucker to the moon. I converted to a fully vegan and half raw diet. Although this instantly shot my social life in the crotch, I had never felt healthier, happier and more energized.
I had just graduated from a massage therapy program and was eager to be a positive example to the families I planned on helping with bodywork. My ovaries hated this plan and, a month later, I got pregnant.

I didn't know enough about a healthy, well-balanced vegan and raw diet to continue those eating habits while pregnant, though, so I reverted to ovo-lacto-vegetarianism and indulged on ice cream until my baby grew to 9.5 lbs and got his big head stuck in the birth canal. (Stay tuned for a future post on home births turned cesarean!)

When alpha was 3, I decided it was time to do the BH cleanse again. Three years of sleep deprivation and basically eating whatever I could swallow whole for lack of time had taken its toll. I was really excited to get that fresh scent feeling again. I downed the herbs and bentonite clay and organic apple juice and water and...ended up looking 7 months pregnant. I was as plugged up as a bear during hibernation. Nothing was coming out. I had to do a walk of shame over to Pure Colonics and get flushed out with gallons of water.

What went wrong?

This can be probably best be summed up with a pictorial comparison of my life at the time of each cleanse:

Life at first cleanse. On a boat to a Brazilian island

Life at second cleanse.
Roused awake at 5:30am by tomfoolery in the bathroom.

My life was drastically different the second time around and I didn't take that into account when starting the cleanse. I no longer had the capacity to drink gallons of water every day to assist in the toxins flowing out. I had to keep peeing when we were out and about, hearing "I can see your pagina." from the short kid standing by the toilet paper roll in my stall. I didn't have time to rest and allow my body to heal during the process. I was busy scratching crusty stains on my clothes and sniffing my finger to see what the hell it was. Busy trying to convince a dismayed 3-year old that, although I know Shakira's name, I do not know where she lives and have no way of getting a hold of her for an in-person meeting. Busy trying to regain my sense of self and practice piano while Spiderman and The Avengers assaulted the left side of my keyboard.

That BH cleanse just did not work for me anymore.

Since then, I had omega.

omega, disguised.

She's now 6 months old and no longer breastfeeding. I've refrained from eating dairy, spicy food and chocolate because they all had an effect on her. I've refrained from alcohol since I was pregnant. Now that I'm officially no longer pregnant OR breastfeeding, I'm binging like a fat 21-year old. I eat dessert at every meal and create meals made of nothing but dessert. Preferably chocolate dairy dessert. I end meals with butter dripping from my chin and drink wine almost every night. Last weekend I chewed Bubble Tape. Twice. I'm giving myself a few weeks to do this. Maybe a month. To indulge every gastronomic whim until I become a heavy mouth breather with Ben & Jerry's in my hair (for later, obviously) and wine stains on my fried plantain chips. And then I will get ready to push the "Reset" button on my health and I will cleanse.

But this time I need to take my lifestyle into consideration and pick a cleanse that will work for me because I don't want to end up on another table in the fetal position with a friendly specialist shitting for me. So that is where you, my really super duper smart and in-the-know readers come in. I've been recommended several different cleanses and even recommended not to cleanse, just to start eating more clean. More cleanly. Cleaner. More cleanerly. Bah, linguistic trickery. Any and all recommendations are welcome and, once I start, I'll keep a running tally of my (definite, fo sho) success.

For now, I am assaulting this chocolate mousse that came with a side of sandwich. Just, look away. 

Eye makeup remover MAGIC!

Dear Universe,
There's GOTSTA be some sort of alternative to paying $15 for a bottle of waterproof eye makeup remover at the local Duane Reade, much more buck dollars if at a department store. Please stop shafting us and reveal wtf is the cheap, natural, just-as-effective solution.

Dear Reader,
BLAHAHAhahahahahablerpBURP! I totes got you for a really long time with that one. You've spent, like, a college education on taking your mascara off. Hello!??! EDIBLE OIL. (i.e. not baby or Valvoline). No, not the kind you get from the shops in the West Village - the kind you pour on salads and other wholesome foods. Olive oil, coconut oil, grapeseed oil, apricot kernel oil. You've probably got at least one of them on hand so start multi-purposing.

                                                           

I keep mine in a tiny lidded container in the bathroom medicine cabinet and a single dab of my finger rubs that enchantment right off.

Less chemicals on my skin. Less dollahs US currency towards lingerie for the CEO's mistress.

WELLnessdom: Let's try and do our best (at least sometimes)

I care about the Earth and our personal health. I care that a lot of food is genetically modified, that human starvation exists when it doesn't need to, that we're putting poison on our skin just by using any one of a thousand "beauty care" products. I care that people turn more readily and steadily to the pharmaceutical industry instead of looking at natural alternatives and that the cesarean rate in the U.S. hovers around 30%. I care about all of these things and also realize I'm just one person and I can only do what one person can: my best.

I'm not die-hard anything. I recognize the value of both traditional and modern medicine. I'm vegetarian and raising my children as such but my husband's a big ol' meat machine and I recognize the deliciousness factor of a well-spiced, grilled pork chop or juicy hamburger. I try and juice some combination of fruits and vegetables daily but also really enjoy cheese and baked goods and other controversial treats full of dairy and gluten. I'm fascinated to see my hair starting to gray and enjoy a relaxing makeup-free day but also regularly get bikini waxes and pedicures. I buy organic & local when it's available yet am guilty of sometimes not recycling as much as I should. I pick up garbage off the street but will fill my child's bath up to the top. I'm a supporter of attachment parenting but also crave alone time so I can get some sh*t done and replenish my own energies. I planned for an at-home water birth, and then a VBAC, yet was handed a cesarean both times.

Doing my best is a constant struggle. I procrastinate, I'm tired, I'm crabby, I'm overwhelmed. I'm great at some things and horrible at others. I've got a handful of reasons to not always be doing my utmost to live my best life, and yet, I recognize the continuously abundant blessings that steadily encourage me. WELLnessdom is an effort to document my efforts to make a better life for me, my family and my environment. And possibly it will inspire others to just do their best too. WELLcome and thanks for joining me.