I have two children. At time of writing, alpha is 5 years and omega is 6 months.
A couple of months before I got pregnant with alpha, I did a cleanse. It was the colon cleanse by Blessed Herbs. I don't remember how I came upon the website but their photos showcasing what everyone's nether whistle was blowin' out captivated me. I wanted to produce the same results and be very impressed with what I was getting out of my body. So I did and, at the end of the two week cleanse, I could almost feel how shiny pink and squeaky my intestines were. All my sugar and carb cravings were gone. I had enough energy to build a boat and sail that sucker to the moon. I converted to a fully vegan and half raw diet. Although this instantly shot my social life in the crotch, I had never felt healthier, happier and more energized.
I had just graduated from a massage therapy program and was eager to be a positive example to the families I planned on helping with bodywork. My ovaries hated this plan and, a month later, I got pregnant.
I didn't know enough about a healthy, well-balanced vegan and raw diet to continue those eating habits while pregnant, though, so I reverted to ovo-lacto-vegetarianism and indulged on ice cream until my baby grew to 9.5 lbs and got his big head stuck in the birth canal. (Stay tuned for a future post on home births turned cesarean!)
When alpha was 3, I decided it was time to do the BH cleanse again. Three years of sleep deprivation and basically eating whatever I could swallow whole for lack of time had taken its toll. I was really excited to get that fresh scent feeling again. I downed the herbs and bentonite clay and organic apple juice and water and...ended up looking 7 months pregnant. I was as plugged up as a bear during hibernation. Nothing was coming out. I had to do a walk of shame over to Pure Colonics and get flushed out with gallons of water.
What went wrong?
This can be probably best be summed up with a pictorial comparison of my life at the time of each cleanse:
My life was drastically different the second time around and I didn't take that into account when starting the cleanse. I no longer had the capacity to drink gallons of water every day to assist in the toxins flowing out. I had to keep peeing when we were out and about, hearing "I can see your pagina." from the short kid standing by the toilet paper roll in my stall. I didn't have time to rest and allow my body to heal during the process. I was busy scratching crusty stains on my clothes and sniffing my finger to see what the hell it was. Busy trying to convince a dismayed 3-year old that, although I know Shakira's name, I do not know where she lives and have no way of getting a hold of her for an in-person meeting. Busy trying to regain my sense of self and practice piano while Spiderman and The Avengers assaulted the left side of my keyboard.
That BH cleanse just did not work for me anymore.
Since then, I had omega.
She's now 6 months old and no longer breastfeeding. I've refrained from eating dairy, spicy food and chocolate because they all had an effect on her. I've refrained from alcohol since I was pregnant. Now that I'm officially no longer pregnant OR breastfeeding, I'm binging like a fat 21-year old. I eat dessert at every meal and create meals made of nothing but dessert. Preferably chocolate dairy dessert. I end meals with butter dripping from my chin and drink wine almost every night. Last weekend I chewed Bubble Tape. Twice. I'm giving myself a few weeks to do this. Maybe a month. To indulge every gastronomic whim until I become a heavy mouth breather with Ben & Jerry's in my hair (for later, obviously) and wine stains on my fried plantain chips. And then I will get ready to push the "Reset" button on my health and I will cleanse.
But this time I need to take my lifestyle into consideration and pick a cleanse that will work for me because I don't want to end up on another table in the fetal position with a friendly specialist shitting for me. So that is where you, my really super duper smart and in-the-know readers come in. I've been recommended several different cleanses and even recommended not to cleanse, just to start eating more clean. More cleanly. Cleaner. More cleanerly. Bah, linguistic trickery. Any and all recommendations are welcome and, once I start, I'll keep a running tally of my (definite, fo sho) success.
For now, I am assaulting this chocolate mousse that came with a side of sandwich. Just, look away.
A couple of months before I got pregnant with alpha, I did a cleanse. It was the colon cleanse by Blessed Herbs. I don't remember how I came upon the website but their photos showcasing what everyone's nether whistle was blowin' out captivated me. I wanted to produce the same results and be very impressed with what I was getting out of my body. So I did and, at the end of the two week cleanse, I could almost feel how shiny pink and squeaky my intestines were. All my sugar and carb cravings were gone. I had enough energy to build a boat and sail that sucker to the moon. I converted to a fully vegan and half raw diet. Although this instantly shot my social life in the crotch, I had never felt healthier, happier and more energized.
I had just graduated from a massage therapy program and was eager to be a positive example to the families I planned on helping with bodywork. My ovaries hated this plan and, a month later, I got pregnant.
I didn't know enough about a healthy, well-balanced vegan and raw diet to continue those eating habits while pregnant, though, so I reverted to ovo-lacto-vegetarianism and indulged on ice cream until my baby grew to 9.5 lbs and got his big head stuck in the birth canal. (Stay tuned for a future post on home births turned cesarean!)
When alpha was 3, I decided it was time to do the BH cleanse again. Three years of sleep deprivation and basically eating whatever I could swallow whole for lack of time had taken its toll. I was really excited to get that fresh scent feeling again. I downed the herbs and bentonite clay and organic apple juice and water and...ended up looking 7 months pregnant. I was as plugged up as a bear during hibernation. Nothing was coming out. I had to do a walk of shame over to Pure Colonics and get flushed out with gallons of water.
What went wrong?
This can be probably best be summed up with a pictorial comparison of my life at the time of each cleanse:
 |
| Life at first cleanse. On a boat to a Brazilian island |
 |
| Life at second cleanse. Roused awake at 5:30am by tomfoolery in the bathroom. |
That BH cleanse just did not work for me anymore.
Since then, I had omega.
 |
| omega, disguised. |
But this time I need to take my lifestyle into consideration and pick a cleanse that will work for me because I don't want to end up on another table in the fetal position with a friendly specialist shitting for me. So that is where you, my really super duper smart and in-the-know readers come in. I've been recommended several different cleanses and even recommended not to cleanse, just to start eating more clean. More cleanly. Cleaner. More cleanerly. Bah, linguistic trickery. Any and all recommendations are welcome and, once I start, I'll keep a running tally of my (definite, fo sho) success.
For now, I am assaulting this chocolate mousse that came with a side of sandwich. Just, look away.
I'm glad you're posting again! I have no advice on cleanses because I've never done them. Also because I am still breastfeeding which is my excuse for still eating like a pig on pot. The best I could suggest is back to the all vegan/high raw diet and follow up with colonics. Let someone else do all the hard work.
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